Nautical Jokes from Various Web Sites
(A good boater knows that it is wise to utilize what you have available to you.)

A group of Skippers are walking through town looking for crew, when they see a five-story building with a sign that read, "Crew Association: Ship’s Crew Available" Since they are without their crews, they decide to go in. The Security Guard, a very salty type, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor and once you find what you are looking for, for crew, you can go there and make a selection. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you who's inside."

Everything seems wonderful, so they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the crew on this floor are beginners." The skippers laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the crew here are experienced, smart but weak."

Still, this isn't good enough, so the Skippers continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the crew here are experienced, smart and strong." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect, "All the crew here are experienced, smart, strong and Former Americas Cup Champions." The Skippers get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads, "There are no crew here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a Skipper!"  

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.

In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: Port Left, Starboard Right

 

Brenda is home making dinner, when Tim arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in; you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. When we returned from sailing on my Catalina 31, there was an accident. "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

Well, it wasn’t on the boat but on the way home from the dock. We stopped by the brewery for a pint and that’s when the accident occurred." "Oh, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up: "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a great swirling vat of Guinness and drowned."

"Oh dear!  But you must tell me true. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well," began Tim, with head bowed. "No, Brenda... no." "No?" cried Brenda.

"Fact is," lamented Tim, "your husband climbed out three times to pee."

A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast. "The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" "Fifty cents!"

After a terrible collision both boat owners clung to the only remaining capsized hull still floating.

The first Boat Owner  said  "Miraculously neither of us were hurt and I had the good fortune to be able to contact help before sinking, it must be a sign that we're going to be best friends for a very long time."

The second Boat Owner said "Ya know, I think your right!"

Then the first Boat Owner said "Look over there, I think I see a bottle of rum floating. I'll go a get it so we can celebrate our new found friendship."

After retrieving the rum, the second sailor took it and downed a goodly amount. 

The second Boat Owner offered  "Here buddy", as he reached to hand the bottle to the first sailor. who said  "No thanks, I'll just wait until the Coast Guard gets here!"

John and Paul went fishing together for the first time. Paul immediately pulled in a nice 3 lb Bass. John was shocked and surprised when Paul grabbed the fish and began to slap him silly with it.

Suddenly Paul broke off the attack and began apologizing profusely. "It's a compulsion I have and I have no control over my actions; I'm so embarrassed", exclaimed Paul.

"Well, you're going to have to get some help and see a psychiatrist", said John, "before I will ever go fishing with you again!"

Six Months later Paul called John and they arranged to go fishing again. Once again Paul quickly caught a small Bass. Grabbing it he once again attacked John slapping him silly with the fish. This time Paul did not stop the attack to apologize. John had to restrain him almost capsizing the boat.

"I thought you were going the see a shrink and get this fixed", yelled John as he held Paul down.

"I did", said Paul, squirming.

"Well it didn't help", roared John!

"Oh yes it did", said Paul. "I still have the compulsion, but I have now learned to accept it!"

Two elderly fishermen were sitting by the side of a river both holding fishing poles with line in the water.

A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

With a guilty voice one says, "We don't have one."

"If your going to fish in this state, you need fishing licenses. I'm going to have to issue both of you a ticket." said the Game Warden.

The second fisherman speaks up, "But officer, we aren't fishing. We have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up the lines and sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

"It's nice to see people with good values, I wish more were like you," the Game Warden said as he turned and left with a smile.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the both fishermen started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," one said. "Yeah!" said the other, "It's a good thing he didn't know there are Steelhead trout in this river!"

 Points to Ponder

•     Do fish get cramps after eating?

•     Where did the name Department of Interior come from when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

•     If it's zero degrees outside on watch, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

•     Is boneless fish considered to be an invertebrate?

•     Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some landlubbers appear bright until you hear them speak?

•     Why is it when you transport something by car its called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

•     If seafood is cured, why is it still dead?

•     Should you trust a yacht broker who's married to a travel agent?

•     Tell a sailor that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you, tell him a deck has wet paint and he has to touch  it.

•     How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

•     Are flagships made of nylon or cotton?

•     Why do sailboats (sale boats?) cost so much?

•     Why is it when a hatch is slightly open it's ajar, but when a jar is slightly open it's not a-hatch?

•     Do hydroplanes evaporate?

•     If most yacht brokers are wealthy, does that mean rich people are poor?

•     Are power-boats used only by weight lifters?

•     Is a sailor called "salt" because of a lifelong hatred of pepper?

•     If wood boats are made of wood, and fiberglass boats made of fiberglass, then what are airboats made of?

•     Sea battles never decide who's right, only who's left!

•     Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

•     Do the Australians call the rest of the world, "up over"?

•     Do marine pilots take crash courses?    

•     If tin whistles are made out of tin, what are fog horns made of?

•     If a cruise ship has a part time band conductor aboard, does that mean he's a semi-conductor?

•     If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look that way?

•     If white wine goes with fish, shouldn't white grapes go with sushi?

•     Some Navy rockets go into space, which we all know is a big vacuum. So tell me, who changes the bag?

•     Speaking of space,  if athletes  get athlete's foot does that mean astronauts get mistletoe?

•     Why is it called a lighthouse when it weighs so much?

•     Ship's windows are called "port holes", but they are found on both sides?

•     Captains of ships have a lot of latitude.

•     Sea captains can be port-ly.

•     Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

•     Sunglasses for sailors had better be seeworthy.

•     Sailors like to seas opportunities.

•     A pirate wrote his wooden leg into his will as a leg-acy.

•     A guy who crosses the ocean twice without a shower is a dirty double crosser.

•     A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven C's.

•     A sailor has ties to home but is knot there often.

•     Sailors often come from have-knot countries.

•     I was going to go sailing and went shopping for a hat but started to reconsider when they gave me a stern look

•     and asked for my capsize.

•     When the spice ships used to bring goods to the king, the captain was peppered with compliments.

•     Is a leak in the back of a boat a stern warning?

•     Two sailors named Brad Stowe and Ben Lowe had to B.stow their things B.low.

•     If two people invest in a boat, it's a partner-ship.

•     A guy who inherited two yachts had a paradox.

Vessel Quiz

Why the Pirate Wears a Patch

Answers To Vessel Quiz

Arizona                               Franklin Van Valkenburgh

Beagle                               Charles Darwin

Bonhomie Richard            John Paul Jones               

Bounty                                William Bligh

Caine                                 Philip Queeg

Carpathia                           Titanic Survivors

Cole                                   Kirk Lippold

Edmund Fitzgerald           Ernest McSorley

Exxon Valdez                    Joseph Hazelwood

Golden Hind                      Francis Drake

Half Moon                          Henry Hudson

Hispaniola                          Long John Silver              

Isere                                  Lady Liberty

Jolly Roger                        Captain Hook

Lawrence/Niagara             Oliver Hazard Perry

Mary Rose                         Henry VIII

Matthew                             John Cabot

Mendin                               Francis Scott Key

Pequod                              Moby Dick

PT109                                John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Pueblo                               Pete Bucher

Queen Anne’s Revenge   Blackbeard

Trinidad                              Ferdinand Magellan         

Victory                                Horatio Nelson

Vulture                               Benedict Arnold